I gave myself room to mourn. When we decide to make life altering decisions, these decisions almost always carry a bit of fear and emotion. After cramming in a separation, a move, a birthday party, a new job, a second book, and a college degree, my mind began to shut down.
” God are you there?” This was the question I asked God as the enemy hit me with tactics and ammunition from every direction I turned. ” did I do this all for nothing?” After the dust had settled in my newly formed life, reality began to sink in.
- I’m a single mother of two
- I failed in my marriage
- God is silent
- I’m being attacked
- I can’t hear the Holy Spirit
- The new job is stressful
- I can’t please everybody
These were the areas of frustration and attacks that the enemy used to get me so off track. Have you ever felt so attacked to the point of wanting to give up? That was me. Life is so messy and so complicated. The past month, I found myself not myself. The natural light and love that I always had for the church and ministry was gone. I felt alone, and everything just felt out of control, ” my control!”
But while all of this was going on, I kept hearing God say ” rest!” Well, what do you mean by rest God?” Uughhhh! It just felt like I was hitting my head against a wall every week. This period of transition that I kept talking about in my videos definitely came with some battles.
Finally, after some bad decisions, fighting myself and God, and spreading myself completely thin, I lost it! I was done. In my mind I was undergoing the biggest battle I had ever undergone in my walk with God, and I was fed up with it all. When we allow the enemy to get in, he targets those areas that aren’t going right in our lives or the things we cannot change.
Are there areas in your life that the enemy attacks or rubs in your face? How can you present this to God?
One night, after two weeks of disturbed sleep, I gave up, I let go, and I told Jesus to take it! ” take it all, lord take it all!!!” Take the pain, take the things I cant control, heal me Lord, give me strength, I’m going to rest in you!” It literally almost took everything out of me. This was a two day battle of waking up at 2am to pray worship and repent.
Fast forward to a week later and just like that I saw a strip of light. In a month filled with darkness, demonic voices, bad choices, hurt, uncertainty, battling and more, suddenly appeared this beautiful light! The light of Jesus. His warmth, His love, His forgiveness, and Grace was and is all I need. Every time I feel like giving up, every time I feel defeated and out of my mind, He meets me right where I’m at.
Where can Jesus meet you today? Will you meet Him at that place even if it comes with vulnerability and fear?
That strip of light, oh that strip of light in a world of darkness is all I look for. It’s all I long for. Can you see the light, the light of Jesus? Never stop looking for that sweet little light in the darkness.
Xoxoxox Kristen lory founder & CEO of AWP~